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Archive for April 7th, 2009
“My father was dependent on me.”
“My mother was dependent on me.”
“I don’t want to admit I’m needy.”
“And I don’t want to admit I’m needy.”
“To be needy means . . .” (Say whatever comes to mind next.)
“Yes, to be needy means . . .” (Say whatever comes to mind next.)
“I needed my mother and it felt bad.”
“I needed my father and it hurt.”
“I need you so much and it’s all right.”
“And I need you so much and it’s all right.”
“You need me very much and it’s okay. I can accept your need and I won’t go away.”
“And you need me so much and it’s all right. I can take it and I won’t ever go away.”
They should embrace and kiss freely during this game and keep repeating these sentences until they feel connected to them.
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He: “You see? You don’t respect my feelings.” She: “I do respect your feelings, but I don’t believe what you’re saying now. You’re just trying to get back at me!” He: “For what?”
She: “For being so picky about sex.” He: “Do you think you’re picky?” She: “No, but you do.”
He: “Do you think I’m being picky now, because I want to be on top?”
She: “I don’t believe you mean it.”
He: “Suppose I do mean it. Suppose I really do resent having to lie on the bottom all the time? Suppose I really am starting to feel manipulated and raped by you?”
She: “But I’m not manipulating you. I’m just asking you to do something out of consideration for me.”
He: “And now I’m asking you to do something out of consideration for me.”
She: “But you don’t mean that!”
He: “I do mean it! There you go, dismissing my feelings again. I resent that—and I resent your always being on top.”
She: “I’m not dismissing your feelings!”
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GAMES FOR UNATTRACTED COUPLES – INTRODUCTION
Author: admin
Sometimes husbands and wives, as well as couples who have been together for a long time, begin to lose not only their sexual desire but also their sexual attraction. They come to find certain physical features or personality traits unappealing, ugly, or downright repulsive—and they often dwell on these aversive elements and use them as excuses to avoid sex. A bald head or protruding belly or double chin can be the turnoff, or it can be the way a spouse chews gum or laughs or smells. One of my patients had a habit of making a frog sound with her throat each morning before waking up and each night before going to sleep. She had learned this from her mother, who had no doubt learned it from hers. Her husband complained in vain about how unappealing this sound was.
Despite the popular notion that sexual attraction is based mostly on physical attributes, it is in actuality a complex phenomenon made up of many layers. One layer—the most obvious and most conscious one—is the physical appearance of the sexual object. We see a well-proportioned woman in a bikini or muscular man in a loose tunic, and we are immediately attracted. But once a relationship begins (and particularly when it is in its middle stages), physical appearance becomes the least important factor of sexual attraction, while personality and transference become crucial.
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“Thank you. And you look quite handsome in your suit. And that mustache is quite manly.”
“Thanks. I grew it yesterday. I think I’ll just sit beside you.”
“Why do you want to sit beside me?”
“In order to see your beautiful eyes up close and personal.”
“Why do you want to see my beautiful eyes?”
“Because I may want to kiss them.”
“I don’t know if I want you to kiss them.”
“Or perhaps I’ll kiss your moist red lips.”
“I don’t know if I’d like that, either.”
“How about this? Do you like my hand under your skirt?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Hmmm. Look what I found under your skirt!” “Stop that.”
“That’s interesting. You’re a woman with a penis.” “Oh, yeah? And what’s that in your pants? You’re a man with a vagina. Wow!”
“There’s nothing wrong with vaginas.”
“There’s nothing wrong with penises, either.”
“What are you doing now?”
“I’m taking off your blouse.”
“Did I say you could do that?”
“May I?”
“I suppose so.”
“And how about your skirt. May I take it off, too?” “All right. But be gentle.” “I will.”
“And promise me something.” “Yes.”
“When you go drinking with the boys, be kind.” “I promise.”
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The couple either stays home or “runs away” to somewhere (a resort, a cruise, a vacation retreat) and follows the authority’s orders. Whether or not the husband and wife actually achieve a simultaneous orgasm is not really important— the crucial factor is that they are scientifically making an attempt to do so, and in this attempt will be doing exactly what they long to do at the deepest level: keep their sex life under control. And now they have been given permission—in fact, ordered—to do so by an authority.
Being ordered to do something which they had previously done obsessively and compulsively will take the “sting” out of their obsessive-compulsive ritual. It will be rendered meaningless. Its chief purpose is, after all, to defend against both the loss of control and control by others.
In this game, control by another is de facto. So, in their quest for a “”scientific” simultaneous orgasm, they will find themselves doing what they thought they wanted to do but will not be enjoying it. This brings up the feelings that had been previously warded off by their defensive posture—fears of being dirty, angry, rotten, shameful, getting completely out of control, going crazy, or being driven crazy. Encountering these ideas and feelings head-on can lead to another (and higher) level of relating and sexuality.
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