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SUPER MARITAL HEALTH: LOVE LIE NUMBER ONE


“Love is an emotion. ”

It’s the deepest feeling, the most intense of all feelings. You can’t describe it, but you’ll know it when it happens. Love just knocks you out. It’s an emotional powerhouse.

HUSBAND

Ask anyone and that person will tell you that love is an emotion, some type of euphoric bliss with which you are smitten. We tell our teenagers that the love they feel is not “real,” and that they will know the real thing later. We tell them that their hormones are deceiving them. We tell them that love it an adult emotion, and they must wait until their hormones are out of the way before they can feel the true power of emotional love.

Actually, love is not what we are describing to these young people, but “limerence,” a term coined by Dorothy Tennov. Limerence is a vacillation between elation at a partner’s perceived reciprocity of feelings and melancholic jealousy when the partner is seen as not returning this feeling. It is intense mood change because of another person, not stable and meaningful feeling for someone else. In real love, there is little vacillation, for real love is not just a feeling at all, but a complex interaction between thinking, feeling, intentionally behaving, and believing in a “bonding manner.” Love is not exclusively a feeling, it is a multidimensional combination and balance between what researcher Robert J. Sternberg identifies as commitment, intimacy, and passion. Commitment is volitional, intellectual, and intentional. Intimacy is a feeling of bondedness evolved between two people over time. Passion is the combination of intense feelings and physical longing resulting in the strong desire to be a part of someone else, to join together physically.

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