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Bernard and Monica have been living together for a month, and their happiness is a joy to behold. Never the least argument, perfect harmony.

One morning when they wake up they kiss and fondle each other as usual. At a certain moment Bernard gets to his knees, his back against the head of the bed; Monica sees his erect penis close to her face. Bernard strokes her hair, slips his hand under her chin and lifts it a little. But when he tries to bring his penis towards her mouth, she draws back. Bernard can see she is going to get upset, and does not insist. The couple continue their caresses and make love in the usual way.

Over the next few days the incident seems to be forgotten, but in fact it has lingered in both their minds. Bernard is wishing Monica had not refused, while Monica tries to justify her refusal in her own mind.

In this kind of situation – and every couple has been through one – one or other of the partners has to change his or her behaviour in the long run. If the man pretends it was just an unimportant, passing fancy that will not arise again, he will either feel deprived of what he regards as a legitimate pleasure, or he will go and satisfy his desire with a more broadminded woman. If the woman tells herself she ought to make an effort to satisfy a desire she continues to regard as a perversion, she will be making a concession rather than a gesture of love.

In either case, it is a fair bet that the couple will not last very long. The lovers will experience other, similar situations, and the accumulation of refusals and concessions will in the long run lead to chronic discord.

Most causes of disunity in the couple would disappear if both partners had a full knowledge of everything to do with sex and could get rid of a certain number of taboos and wrong ideas.

Every man and woman ought to acquire this knowledge. The notion of the man as initiator in sexual matters is now long out of date. Every girl should be sufficiently well-informed to be able feel joy rather than shock at what awaits her when she shares a bed with a boy. On the other hand the man who supposedly initiates her very often knows no more than she does, and runs the risk of seeming demanding and domineering.

The notion of initiation is in any case ambiguous. It could be defined as the transmission of knowledge from one person who knows to another person who does not know. But this defines teaching better than it does initiation.

Speaking of sexuality in a situation where both partners already have a full, objective theoretical knowledge, initiation is better defined as the exploration and application of this theoretical knowledge.

Under this definition, neither partner is subordinate to the other. The couple initiate themselves, together, into sexual activity, and try to strike a balance in their sexual relationship.

This balance in sexual activity may vary widely from couple to couple. That is only natural; it would be quite unnatural if all couples behaved exactly the same in their moments of intimacy.

Such a balance is essential for building the solid ties that are desirable between two lovers. To achieve it, one must start by communicating. This seems obvious, yet few couples make a habit of talking about sex.

If you want a fulfilling sex life, without those clouds of resentment that gradually accumulate over the months and years, you should take every opportunity to tackle sexual problems in your conversations, right from the start of your relationship.

This has to be done with delicacy. It is not a good idea to ask your lover point-blank what she thinks about sodomy when you have only known her for eight days; she will probably say she would rather talk about something else. If you persist, she will probably say that on the face of it she is against it. And unless you are looking for new and exciting ways to provoke a scene, you had better not ask why. This does not mean sodomy cannot be a good topic 0f conversation: one just has to choose the moment and the circumstances to raise the subject.

It is better to start with very general questions that will help you find out at the outset whether you and your partner are made for each other. Perhaps you will agree 0n everything; if so, then all to the good. But you are more likely to have different opinions on some points. That is why it is worth discussing. Sometimes you will change to the other person’s viewpoint because you honestly see you were wrong. More often each of you will take a step towards the other, and you will reach some agreement midway between your two conceptions. This does not mean each making a concession towards the other; it means each acknowledging what is right and true in the other’s ideas.

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